The Story That Is

Stress...a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances...

Well ain't that the truth...

I've been asked a lot of questions lately, by people in my every day life. Friends. Colleagues. Family.

• How do you cope?
• How are you so strong?
• How are you even standing vertical right now?
• How do you do it?
• How have you not cracked?

They say charming things like...

• I wish I could be that strong.
• You deserve a medal.
• You have been through so much.
• You work too hard.
• You're inspiring.
• I would crack if I was going through all that.
• I wish I was like you.
• You're a warrior.

It is flattering but I sit and think "there are people out there going through so much more, there are people much worse off than myself". 

But this does not mean to say what you are experiencing and feeling isn't bad too. It does not stop the pain thinking this way.

The reason I started with this, is because it is only then, when I hear it from 'outsiders looking in', that I realise just how strong I can be. As strong as I need me to be. It's a survival strategy I guess.

It's only then that I look at everything as a larger image. As the dominoes fall so to speak, it literally is one thing after the other...I don't have time to dwell, to grieve, to brood as much as I think I do...or as much as I may need to. 

To cope with one thing at a time I must admit would be easier...or would it?

However most of the time is it just an act...a very good one at that. 

As a child, I always dreamt of being an actress when I grew up. How beautifully tragic it is to realise...

An actress is exactly what I grew up to become. 

But this is me. 

I put one foot in front of the other and soldier on. Because what other choice is there? I fear if I submit to stress, if I weaken my defences, that the disappointing feeling would be the worst of all. I refuse to be defeated because being defeated is not an option. 

I openly admit to people that it is easier said that done, and I should take great pride in the strong person I have become. But I don't feel strong and fail to see it sometimes, I feel I become strong for others more than myself. I am an actress...

I have my moments of weakness though, like today for instance. The stress amounts to what feels like a literal physical force pulling me to the ground. Like the devil has tourettes and sits screaming in the corners of my mind. 

And it hurts...

You put one foot forward, to be thrown back 20 hard taken steps.

Sometimes I feel like curling into a ball. In a dark corner of an empty room. Or I just feel like fleeing, escaping my current world and start a fresh new beginning. If only it was that simple. But it is not. 

Then I think...

Surrendering to the emotional darkness, will only keep you in the dark for longer.

I have worked too long and hard.

Life events, tragedies, demanding circumstances, heart break, grievances, losses, mental abuse and anxiety are the depressing story lines that tell a big part of my life. But who is to say that the ending will read the same?

Who is to say the forth coming chapters will be just as sorrowful or tormenting?

We may not choose our story line, but we can choose the script.

It is also the story that builds the character, not the character that builds the story.

My story, both good and bad chapters, are what made me who I am today. And I am proud of who I am. 

I'm proud to say, I may be struggling, very hard. But I still continue to help others with mental health illness; in my job in a psychiatric hospital. I still support the people in my life; who support me too. I have an incredible family, amazing friends who I consider as family and supportive colleagues. I struggle to let others help me, because I hate showing weakness, but sometimes just knowing they are there, knowing I am not alone, makes me feel I have an army behind my back. A strong net of amazing people in my moments of suppression.

I have a lot to be proud of. 

As a child I also wanted to grow to be a princess...

But I grew up to ask myself, why be a princess? When you can be a hero?

And that there is the story that is...me.