Self Harm

Self Harm

This is quite a sore subject (excuse the pun). However it is an area of mental health which I feel there is still a lot of stigma around, and lack of understanding. 

A lot of people do not understand self harm, or why people do it, why they would mutilate their body, and how this act helps them in any way. Well...there are lots of reasons why people feel the impulse to self harm, to feel physical pain.

I was 11 years old, when I first cut myself. I cant remember the details as to where and how, I am pretty sure I used a razor. I had no intent to end my life, the wounds were not located anywhere dangerous, although they felt deep. This act of self mutilation became an on-going activity, if you want to call it that. I would cut my arms, wrists, ribs, thighs, hands...for many years. Although you wouldn't be able to tell now if you looked at me. That part of my life is behind me and the scars have now faded away to almost nothing. 

There were many reasons for my impulses back then. Some people find self harming a distraction technique, physical pain to distract themselves from emotional pain. Some people self harm as a form of punishment, answering to guilt they feel. Also as an act of self torment due to severe negative thoughts and feelings towards themselves. Self hatred. Harming ones self could also indicate a cry for help. Mental health illnesses such as Depression and Anxiety rarely show physical 'symptoms' shall we say. There isn't a blood test, or scan or x-ray to show that you are ill. And seeing is believing right?
There are many reasons and motives behind why people harm themselves. These were just a few of my own. 

There are also many ways in which people can harm themselves, it isn't just a case of using sharp implements to break the skin, and draw blood. Some people burn, use ligature, punch walls and other hard surfaces...the list I believe is endless. 

I self harmed on and off for years, if I am honest, I cannot remember exactly when I stopped. Although I worked hard and developed the courage to stop, the self harm didn't stop there; not really anyways. Growing up I believed I was like any other female in their late teens, going out, partying, drinking etc. Looking back now I had quite a bad relationship with alcohol, not that I would ever consider myself an alcoholic. But indulging in a 'depressant' as frequent as I did wasn't a good idea. It made me feel confident though, social, numb...but weirdly enough, do you know what saved me from that downhill spiral?...My anxiety disorder. A mental health illness I have, saved me from further harm and lack of self control. It's bizarre when I think about it. However at the same time it isn't...our 'fight or flight' mode used to be our survival technique when opposed to a potential threat. The whole kill or be killed, eat or be eaten. Ruby Wax tells it right when she says "it's funny how what used to keep us safe, now sends us insane". But in this case, it kept me safe. 
So now I don't drink that much, as alcohol is one of my many anxiety 'triggers'. Does that mean the self harm has ended? In a way yes. I have had impulses to harm again, but resist the urges and thoughts. I feel proud, I don't want to come this far to throw myself backwards. I don't want to go on holiday for the sun to highlight my scars. I don't want to make up lies to people about how I obtained wounds. However, lets talk tattoos... 

Tattoos are like a form of self harm. I definitely feel the urge for new ink when I feel low, depressed, angry...but I do not consider it self harm as such. I think my tattoos are beautiful and they tell a story, some metaphorically. But the pain of the procedure is addictive in some respects, on an emotional level. So is it still self harm? All I know is, is that instead of ugly red/purple lines scattered around my skin, I have beautiful imagery which is just as expressive, symbolising me and decorating my body in a sense that I feel proud.
So to answer my own question, no, I do not think it is self harm for me. I feel I have come so far in the last 15 years, but the stigma still bothers me.

I do not blame or judge anyone for their opinions on self harm. Or of the individuals who do it. However I feel there are some people who would benefit from trying to understand it more, to try empathise with people and consider what may have driven them to that point. I appreciate it can be hard to gain understanding of something we have not experienced our own selves, however feel some people view self harm as a form of 'attention seeking'. For some this may be one reason why they harm, but to think what must have pushed this person to feel they need to do this, to get attention, or their needs met? 

I must say this was a hard one for me to talk about and put into words. I feel quite exposed on an uncomfortable level...but I am hoping my freedom of expression sheds light for some people, or informs others that they are not alone.
Everyone has a story.
My self harm ended a few years ago, however my story continues.