Underneath The Mask

Stress...a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances... Well ain't that the truth... I've been asked a lot of questions lately, by people in my every day life. Friends. Colleagues. Family. How do you cope? How are you so strong? How are you even standing vertical right now? How do you do it? How have you not cracked? They say charming things like... I wish I could be that strong. You deserve a medal. You have been through so much. You work too hard. You're inspiring. I would crack if I was going through all that. I wish I was like you. You're a warrior. It is flattering but I sit and think "there are people out there going through so much more, there are people much worse off than myself".  But this does not mean to say what you are experiencing and feeling isn't bad too. It does not stop the pain thinking this way. The reason I started with this, is because i...

I saw you in my dreams again... And every morning, I wake to realise your not really there. My subconscious is blessed by your presence. I can see and hear you there. It's beautiful. But every night I say Goodbye to you, all over again... A tragedy I relive. It hurts. But I don't want to stop seeing you. If sleep is the only way that I can. Then I shall dream away...

Hello Again So as some of you know, I took a break from blogging and have been hand writing a diary instead. The aim being to document often and see if I can notice improvements in my current mental state.  Lately it has been a roller coaster, both good and bad. But at least it's not all bad...right?  I was thinking of scanning and posting my diary entries...and I have also considered doing video entries...what do you all think?  My mind is a little all over the place, so am not entirely sure whats best! The troubles of an over-thinker eh?  Well if you guys would prefer video entries or anything, let me know! As I can talk for England, writing is a little harder. Especially to put across and express certain things.  A quick update of my last couple of days... So I have noticed since escaping a very bad relationship, that I have started eating again and more frequently (and unhealthily). And so I have made the wise decision to try and adapt a...

Taking a Break When I first decided to create a blog surrounding the topic of metal health, when I first decided to write partial clips of my own journey...my aim was to help others. By way of encouragement or support, presenting an understanding due to personal experiences, explain methods, techniques, medication and aid that has helped me; which may help someone else.  But unfortunately due to events this year starting exactly Christmas Eve last year, my mental health has deteriorated...and continues to do so.  I am free falling.   So due to this I need to put my years of experience into stronger use, to repeat my routines and keep myself on track.  I need to go away and concentrate on improving my current state of mind, as I am hurtling backwards.  But don't worry Angels because I am a typical woman...stubborn.  So as I say a temporary goodbye (as I may not post again for a while) i'd like to make sure this is not the end. ...

Whiplash This post is more on the down side than my other posts. But to talk about these topics around mental health, means honesty.  Lately the struggle for me has been incredibly nauseating. I become strong and feel through everything I have already been through in 26 years...that I must be able to get through anything. I keep reminding my self "one step at a time". This year however (which still isn't over yet) I keep putting one foot forward, and being thrown 100 steps backwards...thrown completely off my feet that need to take me forwards, and throws me to the floor.  I go from feeling powerful and strong, to weak in 0.5 seconds. Its like I am not in control of my actions for some moments, for other moments I cannot complete any actions...just lay there thinking of all the stuff I need to do and get done. And when I gather up some motivation and energy, with great difficulty, something happens to set me back.    My career is the only thing going...

Art Therapy One of my many coping strategies/distraction techniques is art therapy. With 10 years of Photography experience behind me; including a BA Honours degree, participating in photo-shoots and projects can equal a great level of satisfaction. However conjuring up the energy and motivation for that is proving difficult lately to say the least, and I don't perform as many shoots as I used to.  So recently I have been colouring in (like the cool kid I am), using adult colouring books and printable colouring pages, I sit and escape for a little while. And when I finish its a nice accomplished feeling.  If I am out and about, there are some pretty cool apps I have downloaded on my Iphone, for colouring and cross-stitch. They are good for those moments of free time when I am not in the comfort of my own home. To others it just looks like I am playing on my phone in my own little bubble. Other good methods of art therapy; when you lack energy fo...

Heartbreak It's a Bitch "The saddest thing about betrayal...is it never comes from your enemies". Well isn't that the truth...  Heartbreak...truly excruciating emotional trauma caused as a result of loving someone not worthy.  You never know until it is too late, there is no avoiding it, no cure for it, and the symptoms are a never ending list. You stop looking for the 'imaginary monsters' when you start seeing them in the faces you come to know and even love.  But you cant feel the pain of heartbreak...without feeling love first.  And that capability to love in any respect, is a powerful thing indeed.  Let the pain make you tough.  Heartbreak is a bitch...but i'm not the type of girl that lets a 'bitch' get the better of her.  Breath. Your worth more. 

When Your Wings Fail If energy was measured like the fuel in a car is measured...my tank would show on empty... I feel like I drag myself through each day, each task, each step. Finding the 'fuel' to even coast myself through a day is proving difficult, and RedBull does not give you wings...just heart palpitations...(so if you suffer with anxiety, please steer clear of the energy drinks).  My wings are crumbled and broken, trying to get them to work and lift me slightly causes me severe pain. But we have to do it, we have to get up, regardless. We have to take each step, complete each task, get through each day. One day I believe my wings may work again, and I want to be ready for that moment.  When your low and feel hopeless, get up, force yourself, mentally prepare yourself, as the smallest tasks currently feel like big battles...you cannot control your mind, but you can control your actions.  My wings are failing, but I will not stop flying...  ...

Self Harm This is quite a sore subject (excuse the pun). However it is an area of mental health which I feel there is still a lot of stigma around, and lack of understanding.  A lot of people do not understand self harm, or why people do it, why they would mutilate their body, and how this act helps them in any way. Well...there are lots of reasons why people feel the impulse to self harm, to feel physical pain. I was 11 years old, when I first cut myself. I cant remember the details as to where and how, I am pretty sure I used a razor. I had no intent to end my life, the wounds were not located anywhere dangerous, although they felt deep. This act of self mutilation became an on-going activity, if you want to call it that. I would cut my arms, wrists, ribs, thighs, hands...for many years. Although you wouldn't be able to tell now if you looked at me. That part of my life is behind me and the scars have now faded away to almost nothing.  There were many re...

My Mental Health Illnesses My journey began when I was 10 but took a massive dive by 11 years of age. That was when I had it. That 'it' being Severe Clinical Depression, I also suffer with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). It took a while to come to terms with this, to grasp an understanding of two things that, at that age...I knew very little about.  I was self harming from 11 also. A young age to be mutilating and causing physical damage.  By 14 years old I was put on fluoxetine, a prozac anti-depressant medication, and have been on a-ray of different medication ever since. To this day, I am still fighting the battle and have been everyday, but can say after the many things I have tried, many coping mechanisms I have built up, distraction techniques found. I have been coping and dealing with it all differently to my clueless younger self. My mental health troubles have haunted me since I was 10. Now almost 26 it still continues to show up and condemn me. ...

Lets Talk Mental Health So when I thought about starting a blog, I began with a blog about beauty...ranging from product reviews to tutorials. I titled this 'The Confessions of a Beauty Addict', and I didn't post much/often. But the truth is, the real confession of 'this' beauty addict, is hiding what is underneath, to paint a picture of confidence which I feel society would accept, to make myself feel I am anything beautiful. My name is Nikkita. I work in mental health, I have suffered with it much longer. Without a degree in Mental Health, I suppose I am considered an 'expert by experience'? I am not sure, however I am confident when I am at work...when I am helping others suffering with complex care needs, dark journeys, deep mental health struggles etc etc. Feel free to ask me why.  I won't delve too deep into my own journey in the intro. And I don't know why I am even writing a blog about the mental health we suffer with so indivi...