Underneath The Mask

The Day I said Goodbye Chapters 1&2 Chapter 1 It was not goodbye, when your chest did still. It was not goodbye, when your eyelids shut. It was not goodbye, when my hand left yours. Although the action, deeply did cut. The garden I remember, the colours, and the smells. Flowers growing and blossoming, all year round.  The games we’d play, as children in paradise. Let’s not forget, all the eggs we found. I remember the magic times, the happy times, and low times. I remember the moments, each event, each little thing. The atmosphere would surround us, in an aura of colour. I’d confide in you, and the birds would sing. It was not goodbye, when our words were said. It was not goodbye, when you were laid to rest. It was today, that I knew, would be the final goodbye. Today, was the final, test. I wondered around your space, so empty. For each heart break, a tear would fall. A thousand fell in a moment, you saw. As I held up, hol...

Stress...a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances... Well ain't that the truth... I've been asked a lot of questions lately, by people in my every day life. Friends. Colleagues. Family. How do you cope? How are you so strong? How are you even standing vertical right now? How do you do it? How have you not cracked? They say charming things like... I wish I could be that strong. You deserve a medal. You have been through so much. You work too hard. You're inspiring. I would crack if I was going through all that. I wish I was like you. You're a warrior. It is flattering but I sit and think "there are people out there going through so much more, there are people much worse off than myself".  But this does not mean to say what you are experiencing and feeling isn't bad too. It does not stop the pain thinking this way. The reason I started with this, is because i...

So...I have decided that i'm gonna be brave, and do video entries as well. This, I aim to start rather soon.  My goal is to hopefully inspire, to create awareness, to let others know they are not alone and to potentially minimise the stigma surrounding mental health.  I plan to use my experience from both sides of the page, as a worker in mental health, and also a sufferer, to post frequently about different subject matters.  I would like to delve into various forms of mental health illness, including interviewing individuals who have a diagnosis different to my own. This will hopefully capture a wider understanding, and as I said, create awareness etc. I would greatly appreciate any support! If people could kindly subscribe to my YouTube channel, I would be very grateful.  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCyn6I6Zh_3gvbgUDsgv3MXA?view_as=subscriber Thank you so much, and if you have any requests, questions, topics etc you would like me to cover. Please ...

Hello Again So as some of you know, I took a break from blogging and have been hand writing a diary instead. The aim being to document often and see if I can notice improvements in my current mental state.  Lately it has been a roller coaster, both good and bad. But at least it's not all bad...right?  I was thinking of scanning and posting my diary entries...and I have also considered doing video entries...what do you all think?  My mind is a little all over the place, so am not entirely sure whats best! The troubles of an over-thinker eh?  Well if you guys would prefer video entries or anything, let me know! As I can talk for England, writing is a little harder. Especially to put across and express certain things.  A quick update of my last couple of days... So I have noticed since escaping a very bad relationship, that I have started eating again and more frequently (and unhealthily). And so I have made the wise decision to try and adapt a...

Second Chances Well these quotes say a lot, mean a lot and teach a lot...right?  I have always been one strong individual, mentally I mean... Through all the battles I have faced, I have won and come out stronger than I went in.  But lately...I feel weak.  I used to have zero tolerance for being treated poorly by anyone, and I mean anyone... Until I fell in love.   The chances I gave proved pointless and painful. Yet the lesson was still never taught. Maybe because there was always hope? Always something going through my mind attempting to excuse their words, actions, behaviour?  A 'Jekyll and Hyde' kind of character is the easiest and hardest to love.  They make you want to take a bullet for them one minute...and make you want to be the one shooting them the next. They help ease anxiety...but are the very reason your anxious... They make you love them and hate them all at once. They make you smile...then cry in the same ...

Whiplash This post is more on the down side than my other posts. But to talk about these topics around mental health, means honesty.  Lately the struggle for me has been incredibly nauseating. I become strong and feel through everything I have already been through in 26 years...that I must be able to get through anything. I keep reminding my self "one step at a time". This year however (which still isn't over yet) I keep putting one foot forward, and being thrown 100 steps backwards...thrown completely off my feet that need to take me forwards, and throws me to the floor.  I go from feeling powerful and strong, to weak in 0.5 seconds. Its like I am not in control of my actions for some moments, for other moments I cannot complete any actions...just lay there thinking of all the stuff I need to do and get done. And when I gather up some motivation and energy, with great difficulty, something happens to set me back.    My career is the only thing going...

Heartbreak It's a Bitch "The saddest thing about betrayal...is it never comes from your enemies". Well isn't that the truth...  Heartbreak...truly excruciating emotional trauma caused as a result of loving someone not worthy.  You never know until it is too late, there is no avoiding it, no cure for it, and the symptoms are a never ending list. You stop looking for the 'imaginary monsters' when you start seeing them in the faces you come to know and even love.  But you cant feel the pain of heartbreak...without feeling love first.  And that capability to love in any respect, is a powerful thing indeed.  Let the pain make you tough.  Heartbreak is a bitch...but i'm not the type of girl that lets a 'bitch' get the better of her.  Breath. Your worth more.