Underneath The Mask

“Within our working lives, and perhaps even amongst friends, we see deceptions played out before our eyes: people who pretend to be happy when they are aching with sadness, or to like each other when they feel nothing but contempt. Perhaps these are actions of self-preservation, driven by a will to hide our pain from a wider audience. Within a relationship, though, pretence is indeed both unreasonable and illogical. Admit to being the person you really are. Never play that deadly game of charades.”    - Rachel Abbott

Stress...a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances... Well ain't that the truth... I've been asked a lot of questions lately, by people in my every day life. Friends. Colleagues. Family. How do you cope? How are you so strong? How are you even standing vertical right now? How do you do it? How have you not cracked? They say charming things like... I wish I could be that strong. You deserve a medal. You have been through so much. You work too hard. You're inspiring. I would crack if I was going through all that. I wish I was like you. You're a warrior. It is flattering but I sit and think "there are people out there going through so much more, there are people much worse off than myself".  But this does not mean to say what you are experiencing and feeling isn't bad too. It does not stop the pain thinking this way. The reason I started with this, is because i...

I saw you in my dreams again... And every morning, I wake to realise your not really there. My subconscious is blessed by your presence. I can see and hear you there. It's beautiful. But every night I say Goodbye to you, all over again... A tragedy I relive. It hurts. But I don't want to stop seeing you. If sleep is the only way that I can. Then I shall dream away...

So...I have decided that i'm gonna be brave, and do video entries as well. This, I aim to start rather soon.  My goal is to hopefully inspire, to create awareness, to let others know they are not alone and to potentially minimise the stigma surrounding mental health.  I plan to use my experience from both sides of the page, as a worker in mental health, and also a sufferer, to post frequently about different subject matters.  I would like to delve into various forms of mental health illness, including interviewing individuals who have a diagnosis different to my own. This will hopefully capture a wider understanding, and as I said, create awareness etc. I would greatly appreciate any support! If people could kindly subscribe to my YouTube channel, I would be very grateful.  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCyn6I6Zh_3gvbgUDsgv3MXA?view_as=subscriber Thank you so much, and if you have any requests, questions, topics etc you would like me to cover. Please ...

Hello Again So as some of you know, I took a break from blogging and have been hand writing a diary instead. The aim being to document often and see if I can notice improvements in my current mental state.  Lately it has been a roller coaster, both good and bad. But at least it's not all bad...right?  I was thinking of scanning and posting my diary entries...and I have also considered doing video entries...what do you all think?  My mind is a little all over the place, so am not entirely sure whats best! The troubles of an over-thinker eh?  Well if you guys would prefer video entries or anything, let me know! As I can talk for England, writing is a little harder. Especially to put across and express certain things.  A quick update of my last couple of days... So I have noticed since escaping a very bad relationship, that I have started eating again and more frequently (and unhealthily). And so I have made the wise decision to try and adapt a...

Taking a Break When I first decided to create a blog surrounding the topic of metal health, when I first decided to write partial clips of my own journey...my aim was to help others. By way of encouragement or support, presenting an understanding due to personal experiences, explain methods, techniques, medication and aid that has helped me; which may help someone else.  But unfortunately due to events this year starting exactly Christmas Eve last year, my mental health has deteriorated...and continues to do so.  I am free falling.   So due to this I need to put my years of experience into stronger use, to repeat my routines and keep myself on track.  I need to go away and concentrate on improving my current state of mind, as I am hurtling backwards.  But don't worry Angels because I am a typical woman...stubborn.  So as I say a temporary goodbye (as I may not post again for a while) i'd like to make sure this is not the end. ...

Second Chances Well these quotes say a lot, mean a lot and teach a lot...right?  I have always been one strong individual, mentally I mean... Through all the battles I have faced, I have won and come out stronger than I went in.  But lately...I feel weak.  I used to have zero tolerance for being treated poorly by anyone, and I mean anyone... Until I fell in love.   The chances I gave proved pointless and painful. Yet the lesson was still never taught. Maybe because there was always hope? Always something going through my mind attempting to excuse their words, actions, behaviour?  A 'Jekyll and Hyde' kind of character is the easiest and hardest to love.  They make you want to take a bullet for them one minute...and make you want to be the one shooting them the next. They help ease anxiety...but are the very reason your anxious... They make you love them and hate them all at once. They make you smile...then cry in the same ...

Whiplash This post is more on the down side than my other posts. But to talk about these topics around mental health, means honesty.  Lately the struggle for me has been incredibly nauseating. I become strong and feel through everything I have already been through in 26 years...that I must be able to get through anything. I keep reminding my self "one step at a time". This year however (which still isn't over yet) I keep putting one foot forward, and being thrown 100 steps backwards...thrown completely off my feet that need to take me forwards, and throws me to the floor.  I go from feeling powerful and strong, to weak in 0.5 seconds. Its like I am not in control of my actions for some moments, for other moments I cannot complete any actions...just lay there thinking of all the stuff I need to do and get done. And when I gather up some motivation and energy, with great difficulty, something happens to set me back.    My career is the only thing going...

Art Therapy One of my many coping strategies/distraction techniques is art therapy. With 10 years of Photography experience behind me; including a BA Honours degree, participating in photo-shoots and projects can equal a great level of satisfaction. However conjuring up the energy and motivation for that is proving difficult lately to say the least, and I don't perform as many shoots as I used to.  So recently I have been colouring in (like the cool kid I am), using adult colouring books and printable colouring pages, I sit and escape for a little while. And when I finish its a nice accomplished feeling.  If I am out and about, there are some pretty cool apps I have downloaded on my Iphone, for colouring and cross-stitch. They are good for those moments of free time when I am not in the comfort of my own home. To others it just looks like I am playing on my phone in my own little bubble. Other good methods of art therapy; when you lack energy fo...

Heartbreak It's a Bitch "The saddest thing about betrayal...is it never comes from your enemies". Well isn't that the truth...  Heartbreak...truly excruciating emotional trauma caused as a result of loving someone not worthy.  You never know until it is too late, there is no avoiding it, no cure for it, and the symptoms are a never ending list. You stop looking for the 'imaginary monsters' when you start seeing them in the faces you come to know and even love.  But you cant feel the pain of heartbreak...without feeling love first.  And that capability to love in any respect, is a powerful thing indeed.  Let the pain make you tough.  Heartbreak is a bitch...but i'm not the type of girl that lets a 'bitch' get the better of her.  Breath. Your worth more. 

When Your Wings Fail If energy was measured like the fuel in a car is measured...my tank would show on empty... I feel like I drag myself through each day, each task, each step. Finding the 'fuel' to even coast myself through a day is proving difficult, and RedBull does not give you wings...just heart palpitations...(so if you suffer with anxiety, please steer clear of the energy drinks).  My wings are crumbled and broken, trying to get them to work and lift me slightly causes me severe pain. But we have to do it, we have to get up, regardless. We have to take each step, complete each task, get through each day. One day I believe my wings may work again, and I want to be ready for that moment.  When your low and feel hopeless, get up, force yourself, mentally prepare yourself, as the smallest tasks currently feel like big battles...you cannot control your mind, but you can control your actions.  My wings are failing, but I will not stop flying...  ...

All Angles It's ok, to not be ok It is hard to overcome something, when there are so many things to overcome at once. For a while, this year especially, the tragedies have been occurring like a long line of falling dominoes. It seems never ending.  It encourages my mental health to deteriorate, I can feel it. I absolutely hate admitting 'defeat' as I am a strong character. But...it's ok, to not be ok... It's ok to ask for help, instead of tackling it all alone.  I have dealt with my mental health illnesses and tragedies for so long, I thought I had finally a grip on it, had my 'ways' of coping and dealing with them. Lately the struggle has got intensifying and pretty unbearable. I felt embarrassed seeking further help from the Doctors, but why? Self esteem issues? I don't know.  There is no escape, everywhere I look there is pain, stress, sorrow. Even when I close my eyes. That tension builds, it puts so much strain on the mind...the hea...

Fluctuating State of Mind My mind is a hard piece of bodily equipment to deal with right now. If only it were as simple as getting an engineer out to fix it... My moods, feelings and emotions fluctuate daily, sending me on highs and lows and around roundabouts. Its nauseating and unsettling. Any trigger can have me flip from one to the other, my emotional roller-coaster is a bumpy ride, getting through each day okay is a struggle. I can be bubbly, happy, funny and completely on the ball at work. Something small could set those on "Pause" whilst I can feel stressed or angry or anxious, frustrated, embarrassed, confused, feeling 'not with it', and like i am in a different world all together. It's exhausting. I can be a total 'social butterfly' to then wanting to isolate my self completely, not really bothering with people or only engaging with a couple of people in my life. I don't ignore people as such but if someone in my personal life t...

The Good and the Bad What is Anxiety? What is it really? Because I am pretty sure it is different for everyone, the same as Depression is. Mental health illnesses are not like regular illnesses, like the common cold for example.  Picture yourself in a room with another person. You both have a common cold. You will most likely both have a cough, runny nose, headaches. Now lets say you both have Anxiety issues. One may get a racing heart, whilst the other person may not. You maybe hyperventilating whilst the other person's hands are flexing and moving uncontrollably. One of you may feel nauseous, be physically sick in fact, due to the impact of emotions coursing through the mind and body. Whilst the other holds their head from the loud words and feelings pounding their brain.  I could go on forever but I am touching a little bit on my last post, about symptoms of Mental Health changing, being different, each person having the same diagnosis but the symptoms bei...

A Symptom of Poor Mental Health My Appetite In my 'younger days'...wow I sound too mature there...Lets start again. When I was younger and suffering with my mental health illnesses, I would over-indulge when it came to food. In fact...I'd over-indulge during whatever emotion or feeling. I'd eat when I was sad, eat when I was happy, eat whilst with friends, eat out of boredom. I think you get the picture... However I used to get so low and down over my weight, I hated my image, hated my body, hated my face...again, you get the picture... I tried eating healthy, exercising, dieting, the usual weight loss techniques. Due to my lack of energy and commitment to these, I ended up just giving up, slipping backwards, and ended up almost 14 stone. I believe I weighed 13 stone and 9 pounds when I was at my largest. I didn't find that attractive on my 5 foot 4 young self... But still, my habits didn't change. This was due to all sorts of reasons, partly my o...

Self Harm This is quite a sore subject (excuse the pun). However it is an area of mental health which I feel there is still a lot of stigma around, and lack of understanding.  A lot of people do not understand self harm, or why people do it, why they would mutilate their body, and how this act helps them in any way. Well...there are lots of reasons why people feel the impulse to self harm, to feel physical pain. I was 11 years old, when I first cut myself. I cant remember the details as to where and how, I am pretty sure I used a razor. I had no intent to end my life, the wounds were not located anywhere dangerous, although they felt deep. This act of self mutilation became an on-going activity, if you want to call it that. I would cut my arms, wrists, ribs, thighs, hands...for many years. Although you wouldn't be able to tell now if you looked at me. That part of my life is behind me and the scars have now faded away to almost nothing.  There were many re...

My Mental Health Illnesses My journey began when I was 10 but took a massive dive by 11 years of age. That was when I had it. That 'it' being Severe Clinical Depression, I also suffer with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). It took a while to come to terms with this, to grasp an understanding of two things that, at that age...I knew very little about.  I was self harming from 11 also. A young age to be mutilating and causing physical damage.  By 14 years old I was put on fluoxetine, a prozac anti-depressant medication, and have been on a-ray of different medication ever since. To this day, I am still fighting the battle and have been everyday, but can say after the many things I have tried, many coping mechanisms I have built up, distraction techniques found. I have been coping and dealing with it all differently to my clueless younger self. My mental health troubles have haunted me since I was 10. Now almost 26 it still continues to show up and condemn me. ...

Lets Talk Mental Health So when I thought about starting a blog, I began with a blog about beauty...ranging from product reviews to tutorials. I titled this 'The Confessions of a Beauty Addict', and I didn't post much/often. But the truth is, the real confession of 'this' beauty addict, is hiding what is underneath, to paint a picture of confidence which I feel society would accept, to make myself feel I am anything beautiful. My name is Nikkita. I work in mental health, I have suffered with it much longer. Without a degree in Mental Health, I suppose I am considered an 'expert by experience'? I am not sure, however I am confident when I am at work...when I am helping others suffering with complex care needs, dark journeys, deep mental health struggles etc etc. Feel free to ask me why.  I won't delve too deep into my own journey in the intro. And I don't know why I am even writing a blog about the mental health we suffer with so indivi...